TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for historic culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely away from position. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have A further spot in which American men can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give everyone a collection about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It is that he really should halt working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the project, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from House, a function becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It really is not just ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may possibly ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what Trump Tower Damascus for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is now attracting notice from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will likely involve:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort in which my PTSD can have change-down assistance."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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